Dear readers,

Sometimes the well of words runs dry and I struggle to find anything worthwhile to say to you. This was one of those weeks! Rather than turn to AI to generate an email message, I turned to the archives. Here’s an email I sent in September of 2020 that is just as relevant today. If you’ve been around since then, I’d love it if you’d hit reply and let me know!

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I love getting emails from my readers with questions, because they are rarely the only person with that concern. A few days ago, I got this one:

Yes, dear friend, you are far from alone with that problem. It is extremely hard to sit back and keep your mouth shut when you see someone making what seems like a poor parenting choice, especially when your precious grandchildren are at stake. But there is no Best Way to be a good parent.

When I was pregnant with my third child, I joined an online support group for mothers expecting babies at the same time I was. A couple hundred women from all over the world participated, and over the years we discussed every aspect of parenting (and every other subject under the sun!). I quickly discovered that, while I was generally confident in my approach to raising children, there were other approaches that seemed to work equally well. From the early days of breast vs. bottle and who slept where, to potty training methods and effective discipline, to the eventual struggles with teenage rebellion, there were lots of women I respected who made decisions about their kids that just seemed wrong. Yet, it wasn’t my place to say so, because it wasn’t my family. All our children survived, even thrived, despite the many different ways they were raised.

Of course, as a grandparent it IS your family. So does that mean you should speak up if you don’t think your children are parenting the way they should? The answer is inevitably no, because what is really at stake is your relationship with your grown children. What sounds like an innocent suggestion to you will sound to them like a critical effort to control them. Creating tension in your relationship with your grown children will only make it harder to have a close relationship with your grandchildren. You may be right, there may be a better way. But there are lots of ways to raise children, and what looks to you like the wrong way to parent is really just a different way.

So, unless your grandchild is in danger of irreversible physical or emotional injury, take Jane Isay’s advice and “heed the eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not give your grown children advice.” Instead, support them with your time and unwavering sympathy and kindness. Being a parent is hard enough without having someone second guessing your decisions.

Warm regards,
DeeDee

P.S. I’ve recommended Jane Isay’s book on grandparenting, Unconditional Love: A Guide to Navigating the Joys and Challenges of Being a Grandparent Today, in the past. If you are having a difficult time with the relationship with one of your adult children, I also recommend her book Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents. (These are affiliate links. If you make a purchase using these links, I may earn a small commission.)

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DeeDee Moore | Founder, More Than Grand LLC | morethangrand.com