Dear Reader,

I apologize that I couldn’t reply to everyone who responded to last week’s email—the response was overwhelming! I did read each one, and it’s clear that there is a strong demand for more about what I learned at the summit on estrangement. Thank you to everyone who shared their stories—they help me better understand how to help you and others.

Based on the volume of notes I took, Rachel Haack (@rachelhaack on Instagram and Facebook) was clearly one of my favorite speakers. She had the most to say that is helpful to those of us who aren’t facing estrangement, but who just want to get this grandparenting role right. Circled at the top of my notebook is this:

“Families are designed to change and our challenge is to learn to develop with that change.”

Notice that it doesn’t say that the challenge is to “learn to navigate” the change, but to “learn to develop” with it.

Develop: to grow, change, or make something bigger, stronger, or more advanced over time.

We can’t expect to take our same selves into new chapters of our lives without developing. We can’t expect the same patterns to continue to serve us as our family members grow and change. We can’t expect that we have evolved all we need to by the age of fifty, or sixty, or seventy.

We need to continue to learn, to grow, to develop into the person our family needs as it changes.

Let me give you a little example. I grew up with very high standards about appearance: there were things that immediately indicated that someone was not professional. Unnatural hair colors, multiple piercings, and tattoos were at the top of that list. This was drilled into me from an early age, and, shallow as it sounds, it was a default setting when I met someone. Of course, my father’s 1950’s standards became harder and harder to cling to as we entered a new millennium, but my reactions didn’t keep up with the changing times.

When my daughters started piercing parts of their ears other than their lobes, dying their hair (truth be told, I loved the pink and purple), and eventually getting tattoos, I had to recognize that I hadn’t failed as a mother because they made choices that I didn’t agree with. I had to do more than just accept that they were independent adults who could make decisions about their bodies.

To stay truly connected to them, I had to develop into someone who appreciated who they were, tattoos and all.

My automatic reaction to tattoos and facial piercings has changed. I am able to look beyond what I learned was “appropriate” and appreciate the self-expression. Has it been an easy shift? No—it’s taken years!

It’s not easy to alter something that is ingrained in who you are. Development happens slowly: recognizing you need to change, catching yourself in a pattern you are trying to break, rewiring your reactions.

As parents, our families are constantly asking new things of us. It only becomes more complicated as our families grow with boyfriends, in-laws, babies, step-children. It demands more of us as they (and we!) navigate marriage, divorce, job loss, moving across the country. We have to keep developing to stay relevant and connected.

So this week, think about something that your family needs you to develop. Recognizing it is the very first step, and nothing else can happen until you do that. If you can’t think of anything, ask your partner or one of your children: “If you could change something about me that would make you feel more supported, what would that be?”

Will you take on the challenge?

Warm regards,
DeeDee

P.S. Writing this email has made me even more excited about the app I’m developing. It will give you the ability to share something you want to develop, and it will help you through the hard part of making it a habit. If you are interested in joining the wait list for the Real-Life Grandparenting app, click here. ​

DeeDee Moore | Founder, More Than Grand LLC | morethangrand.com

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