Hello, Reader!

Thank you to all of you who responded to the email last week about grandparenting styles. Many of you felt that you fell into more than one category, and Jo Ann even pointed out that you may be different things to different grandchildren, especially if some grandchildren live close by and others far away.
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And thank you to those of you who suggested topics you want to learn more about. I’ve kept a list and hope to touch on all of them, either here or on the blog. I’ll start with a heavy topic, because it’s an important one.

M. wrote:

Please write about value conflicts between parents and grandparents. How do we keep the relationship intact? How do we (grandparents) build bridges into the relationships? Is it ever okay to go against the parent’s wishes?

This is one of the thorniest conflicts between parents and grandparents—reflecting what’s going on in society, to be honest. What do we do when we disagree on Big Issues? Sometimes it’s a conflict over something that affects our grandchildren directly, like faith, vaccines, or discipline. Other times it’s a personal value that we are on opposite sides of, like politics or transgender rights.

The thing that makes this so hard is that when we disagree with someone, we too often slip into an “Us vs. Them” attitude. We want to make sure that they understand our viewpoint, and we hope that they’ll come to believe we are right. That’s not an attitude that builds bridges, and we have to overcome it to preserve relationships.

To build bridges, we need to come prepared to be curious and accepting of different viewpoints. We need to value the relationship over being right. One practical way to practice that: when a values difference surfaces, lead with a question instead of a counter-point. Something as simple as "Help me understand how you think about that" signals genuine curiosity, and it's very hard to stay in conflict with someone who's sincerely trying to understand you.

When it comes to our relationship with parents, we have to fully accept that our values around things that affect their children are irrelevant. We had our chance to pass our values to our children. If they have developed different values, that’s not a failing on our part, it’s a sign we raised independent thinkers.

Is it ever okay to go against parent’s wishes? Breaking a rule like letting a child stay up an extra half hour may upset parents, but it’s usually forgivable. It says, “I do my best, but I’m not always good at following rules to a T.” Using a form of discipline that parents don’t agree with is doing something far more corrosive to a relationship. Going against someone’s values is a much bigger statement. It says, “I know better than you, and I don’t trust you to do what’s right for your child.” That’s a statement that is hard to forgive.

What about when it’s the parents who are pushing us away because of our values? If that’s your situation, I recommend reading the book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley. Understanding why conflict over values happens is an excellent first step towards finding peace in your relationship. You can find Ripley’s book, along with many other titles on improving relationships, in my Amazon Shop.​

I already know that you value your relationship with your grandchild’s parents. You wouldn’t be reading this email if you didn’t. The difficult truth is that, sometimes, we have to make the uncomfortable choice to give the “relationship value” more weight than one or more of our other values. The ability to be curious and compassionate when it’s hard—that’s what will help your relationship thrive.

Warm regards,
DeeDee

P.S. If you’ve ever wondered why it’s so much harder to keep your opinions to yourself with your adult kids than with other adults, read my latest blog post: Why It's So Hard to Bite Your Tongue as a Grandparent​

DeeDee Moore | Founder, More Than Grand LLC | morethangrand.com

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