Dear Reader,

Somewhere I have a photo of my son from his 18th birthday. I can’t find it, but it is as clear in my mind as the day it was taken. He’s dressed as a pirate, walking across the lawn in his grandmother’s garden, with a string of younger siblings and cousins trailing behind him.

I remember it so clearly because that moment in time captured so much of what I love about my son. Instead of a party with friends, he chose to celebrate this milestone birthday with his extended family. He loved pirates: up to the age when it became obvious it wasn’t going to be possible, he wanted to be a space pirate when he grew up. (Though I think he’s still hoping it will work out as a second career.)

But most of all, I love that line of children blindly following him wherever he was going. Children loved him on sight, and he loved them right back. When the larger family gathered, he nearly always had a young cousin on his lap or at his side. His aunts and uncles took him on their family vacations knowing he’d willingly help with the kids in exchange for meals and biking or surfing.

He wasn’t just fun, he was responsible. I could trust him to take care of his younger sisters by the time he was 10. They trusted him, too. One night when he was putting one of them to bed, she couldn’t find her pacifier. I’d been trying to wean her from it for weeks, but all it took was her brother telling her she was fine, that she didn’t really need it anymore, and she never asked for it again.

I always knew he was going to be an amazing father. In fact, when I found out he and his wife were going to have a baby, I was far more excited about him becoming a father than I was about me becoming a grandmother.

Watching our children become parents is one of the most fulfilling things we experience in life. When we think about becoming grandparents, we often focus so hard on the grandchildren that we overlook the fact that our children are stepping into a role that’s new to them. Being there as they figure out that role is a privilege we shouldn’t take for granted. (Admit it, wouldn’t you have loved to spy on them when they had their first real job?)

As your children navigate the early weeks and months of parenthood, you may get to see new sides of them. You may discover they possess a well of patience you never knew existed, or that they have a tenderness that never showed itself before. Or you may experience what I did: seeing your child blossom in a role you always knew they would be a natural at.

As we start to see them as parents instead of children, there are other things that can fill us with joy. When one of our traditions is continued, it feels like a little validation. When they ask our advice, we feel valued. Of course, the flip side is that when they do something differently, or don’t want our opinion, we can take it as a rejection of the work we did as parents. It can be hard to acknowledge, but it’s the moments that seem like rejection that are proof that we did a good job: they are confident enough to forge their own path.

We’ve also joined an exclusive set: our grandchild’s fan club. Sharing our grandchild’s milestones creates a new dimension to the relationship with our child. Making new memories as an expanded family helps strengthen our bonds—not just the ones with our child and their partner, but also the new and miraculous one with our grandchild. This child has tied us together in a new and compelling way.

Yet that tie demands that we give our children space. We have to remember that our role as parents is shifting to a new phase, as well. We are (sometimes unwillingly) delegated to a supporting role after being the lead for many years.

So how do we show them that we understand that they’ve grown up, and are perfectly capable of being parents without us? By stepping back when we want to step in, respecting their boundaries, and making sure they know we are there to support them in whatever way they need.

It's been over 20 years since my son’s pirate party, and he’s been a father now for almost ten of them. Instead of a trail of siblings and cousins, he has his own little brood of three to follow him around. I feel so lucky to get to watch where he is leading them.

Warm regards,
DeeDee

P.S. You might have notice that the Saturday email has a name: This Week in the Wonderful World of Grandparenting. I want to give this Wednesday message a name, too. Which of these do you like best?

Thanks for reading! If you found this valuable, please forward it to a friend!

DeeDee Moore | Founder, More Than Grand LLC | morethangrand.com

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